It felt like I was falling off a cliff. I was trying to listen to the doctor, but everything else seemed muted after he said the word spectrum…
The following weeks turned into months. The same questions. The same answers. The same non-answer really. So much waiting.
Waiting for the doctor appointment. Waiting to change our primary care provider. Waiting for the new doctor appointment. Waiting for the therapy evaluation. Waiting for a therapist to become available. Waiting for the spectrum screening. We are in the middle of a season of waiting.
And we know it's common, but it doesn’t feel common when it is your own child. It feels like the Cliffs of Insanity from the Princess Bride. And as Inigo Montoya famously said-
"I hate waiting."
I hear ya, Inigo!
Matthew and I recently traveled to the Cliffs of Insanity - which are actually the Cliffs of Moher on the western coast of Ireland. The view from the top was magnificent! It was a picturesque, sweeping seascape and the ocean breeze was bracing. (We were warned many times it can pick you up and scoop you off if you get too close to the edge!)
But the real gem was in the recommendation to take the ferry and view them from sea level.
THEY. WERE. SO. MUCH. BIGGER!
I’m not sure what causes us to view something as beautiful from the top and terrifying from the bottom - I would have thought the opposite to be true - but from either angle, those cliffs stop your heart.
Just like mine in the doctor’s appointment just two months later.
But as in all things, the time will pass anyway. So I’m doing the recommended reading. Among them a book by Dr. Robert Melillo that includes a program we can begin right at home, as we wait possibly months for a therapist and half a year or more for a screening.
In my reading, I’ve already discovered that my beautiful child has mixed dominance, a right hemisphere deficit, and a very underactive vestibular system. Last week I didn’t even know that vocabulary - or why my child is never, ever, ever dizzy. Now we know!
So, I may be falling off a cliff, but I’m going to do it while finding every possible option for her future success that I can. And I don't want to miss the joy we do have each day just because I don't know how the story ends.
In seasons like this, creating is not a distraction, it is a lifeline. There is no controlling life as a parent, but behind my lens I can control a tiny sliver of time. The moment when a family shows me they deeply value each other. The instant a woman feels seen and confident after decades of fighting to find herself. The flash when a high school senior is both your baby and a young adult.
Creating for you does make my waiting easier to bear. It doesn't mean you don't have your own waiting or hurts, it means you are thankful for what you have today - just like I am.
Anyone for cliff diving?
With love,
Kat
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