I am really good at being the new girl.
My family moved from Mississippi to Alabama to Georgia to Florida before I began moves of my own from Michigan to Illinois to Georgia to Massachusetts to Michigan to Iowa.
I am a textbook extrovert, who is energized by people, and the line that comes most easily to me is “Hi! My name is Kat. What is yours?”
But being good at first impressions is one thing. Leaving a place well is quite another. And when I look back I can see that so many times, I wasn’t just leaving…
I was running away.
I ran away from places I did not fit in. I ran away from schools or experiences that went badly. I ran away from people I hurt.
And now that we keep staying… in Iowa… I’ve had some really hard work to do.
Staying in some places I didn’t fit in. Completing experiences even if they went badly. Staying in relationship with people I’ve hurt.
And some beautiful things can grow from really hard work.
Inner security that means I can be a place where others fit in. Resilience that means I can explore a new opportunity with out only fearing a bad outcome. Forgiveness, of others and myself, that means there are deeper friendships on the other side of failures.
But I was still scared to go home. Even if I didn’t want to talk about it. Even if I was also excited… underneath, I did wonder how it would feel to take my husband and five children all to where I grew up. A paradise - Naples, Florida - a place I ran away from. Because after all these years, I was only remembering the reasons I left.
Memory is such a tricky thing. It can make your mind keep too much space for something that should be small - like many of my sources for shame.
It can make your mind fill up too little space with what you should be celebrating - like the amazing friendships that have survived all these moves and changes.
I am glad I went home and shared so many memories, good and bad, with my family. They’ve seen my old house - and the window I would sneak out of. They saw my high school - and heard about how much trouble I got in for skipping school! They played in the water and sand at my favorite beach - where my heart was broken and I broke others far too many times.
But they also got to hear about what a hard worker I was, even in my first job at a Mobile gas station. They heard that I really was an excellent student - I tend to gloss over that part. They also saw me return to my childhood church, and be greeted by warm, familiar faces that LOVED to see how much I’ve grown.
And now I am so glad to be home. In Iowa. The place that has truly become my paradise.
No palm trees, sandy beaches or flip flops year round…
But family, and friends, and community that has helped me stay, and not run away.
So since I’m here, I would love to create a portrait for you this year. What are you looking forward to celebrating? Let’s create something beautiful, right here.
With love,
Kat
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